Christmas has past. New year is just around the corner. Other than wishing everyone a Merry Christmas (a bit too late...) and Happy New Year, I guess it's also time for me to reflect on what I've gone through for the whole year.
Ever since I've entered into 2008, my memory has been deteriorating. It has gotten from bad to worse after I've spend so much time in army. Now I can't even remember whether I spend my first day of the year in Singapore or not. Maybe this is something called post-school syndrome. I'm not using my brains as much as I did back then (obviously...). This has resulted in my brain not functioning properly. Anyway, this is not important (actually it IS). As long as I can remember all the important events that happened over the year, it's good enough.
WARNING: This post may be incredibly long. If you don't want to go blind, please rest your eyes in between every two to three paragraphs.
Army
There are two dates in army you'll never forget. One is your enlistment date and one is your ORD date. Mine is 110108 (this is how we write date in army) and 101109 respectively. So, my army life started on 11th January. On this day, I was supposed to report to Pasir Ris (or was it?) interchange by 9 am. My mother also accompanied me. But due to certain reasons we took MRT instead of car. And when were almost a few stops away, I suddenly had an unbearable stomachache. It's the feeling that something's gonna come out very soon. I managed to convince my mum to let me go toilet, and after that we took a cab, but we were still late. (Of course, my mum scolded me for not going toilet earlier...)
However, I think that is the only occassion in army when you can be late. They didn't say anything, and we still got to Tekong successfully. After several introductions and parting with my mum, I knew that I was posted to Hawk Company Platoon 2 Section 1. The first phase of my NS life had started.
They say that BMT is the most fun part of NS and we should cherish it. I agree to a certain extent. BMT is the only time when everyone can learn different things together and go through so many interesting activities. I also experienced something like hostel stay for the first time. At first, I was filled with uneasiness, because there were a lot of things I didn't know whether I could do or not. But soon the only rule in NS came to me - "You can do anything, just don't get caught". And I also learnt how to apply that rule, though failing at times.
After BMT I was posted to Changi Naval Base to be a Sea Soldier Trainee. My vocation was "Sea Soldier Leader". During BMT they kept pestering us to make the decision that will determine our NS life: to be a commander or not. After much thought and struggle, I've decided to say "Yes". I was expecting to go SISPEC instead of OCS, since my peer evaluation wasn't very good. But instead they gave me this "Sea Soldier Leader". The sergeants said that people like me are actually qualified to go SISPEC. I also thought so, without realising the big difference...
SSC (Sea Soldier Course) was mainly filled with regimentation and physical training. They made the vocation "sea soldier" out to be very noble, like the guardian of the sea. In actual fact it has no much difference from any army RP (regimental police). We do the same thing: guard duty. The only thing that I gained from SSC was the physical training, but all those went down the drain after I was posted to unit. And I've lost a very important thing through SSC: the chance to become a spec (specialist).
I always thought I could become a commander. I thought I had the ability to be one, and really believed in it to such an extent that I already made plans on what to do after I became one. That is why I was devastated when my section commander in SSC told me that I was not recommended to be a leader (ie Spec). I really wanted to cry. I didn't understand why. He was the one who told me that I had the potential, but why did he take it away in the end? Then he said it's because there were too many people who were going to be leader. Does that mean I was at the bottom among them? Does that mean those people are better than me? I really don't think so. I was not convinced. But, it was already fixed, and there was nothing I can do about it.
And then I was posted to TDS (Tual Defence Squadron), the place I would be for the remaining army life. Pardon my vulgarity, but I think this is the most f**ked up place to be. We only have one weekend every two weeks, we have to do duty even on public holidays, we have to come back on weekdays even when we are not on duty, we can only go home at 4.30 pm when are on stand-by etc. And on top of this we still have all the range and IMT, disrupting our schedule and losing more weekends. Seriously speaking, this is the last vocation anyone want to get. I'd rather suffer for five days and get my weekend every week than to come to such a unit.
Well, there's nothing I can do except to suck thumb. After doing duty for some time, I came to realise that what my commanders said during BMT was true. The second rule in army: "When you want to do something, make sure others see you doing it". It seems to contradict with the first rule, but the "things" we are talking about are different. In Singapore terms, this is known as wayang. And I don't know how to wayang. I had never believed in doing things just to show others. And that's why I only did things for the sake of doing them. I didn't do anything extra, neither did I do anything less. Maybe that's where the difference came in. The army only accepts those who wayang and not those who work silently. In fact it is also the same in society. But my character just doesn't allow me to do so! This made me worried about my future....
Weiqi
Time to switch to something outside army. Ah, weiqi, my so-called commitment. Even after starting to serve NS I've never stopped learning it, even though the amount of time spent on it has significantly decreased. Some people would give up weiqi after they started NS, but I didn't. Why? Because I like this game. In the past I used to think that I could continue playing weiqi just because I like it, but now I'm starting to have doubts. Maybe this is part of growing up. I'm starting to think about what I could gain from weiqi and what I could do with it in the future, and couldn't think of anything. This caused me to become sort of complacent, and my skills dropped. I also started to take weiqi less seriously, and number of games I played online have decreased to almost zero.
I did attend almost every competition I could, including the Singapore Weiqi League. Every time it showed that I wasn't really up to standard, but during the competition itself at least I've done my best. I missed the chance to go World Amateur this year due to BMT, but I will definitely fight for it next year. To me, being able to play in competitions is good enough. Then came the Mind Sports Games incident. I had the qualification to go for Word Mind Sports Games (WMSG) in October, but the army couldn't grant me any leaves. WMSG wasn't supported by the Sports Council. It wasn't even considered a sports event, even though it's called Mind SPORTS. This incident made me worry about the future of weiqi in Singapore, but luckily it didn't take away my passion. I will still carry on playing it, until the day when I lose interest.
Character Development
I have always been a man of "few words". I don't know since when it has been like that, and I don't know why it turned out like that. I don't think a person's character is decided from the day he's born, but I do believe that it is difficult to change once it is fixed. That is why I always couldn't change the way I deal with things...
You can say things have become worse after I've started NS. I've lost interest in a lot of things, and just can't be bothered about it. I've become more lackadaisical, and slacks off every time I have the chance to. Even now I still haven't really tidied up my room, since my A'levels.
It's not that I don't want to change. I've tried to do things more seriously. I've tried to learn more things. I've tried to talk more to people. But they all failed. My social network has not been widening, and my relationship with other people is not getting better. All because of this stupid character of mine.
I ask myself a lot of times: why am I who I am? But no one gave me an answer. Maybe everyone thinks about the same question, just that they are not bothered by it as much as I do. If I were not who I am (ie Zhang Xiang), who or what would I be? But there really is not point in thinking about it. I can't change who I am. The only thing I can do is to live this life of mine until I die.
Sense of responsibility is what I am lacking in. It's a simple word, yet it carried a very deep meaning. I used to think that only leaders carry responsibilities. Now I know that even a simple thing such as making a choice is also an act of responsibility. Because I don't feel the responsibility of making a correct choice, I don't show concern and enthusiasm. However, it is true that leaders will carry more responsibilities than man. That's why I wanted to be a leader. To carry more responsibilities. To train myself. To force myself to think more. There's no other way to change this character of mine other than go through practical means. But then, nobody gave me the opportunity... The most I can do now is to try to carry more responsibilities at home. After all, I am growing up, am I not?
Academic Stuff
When I got my A'level results in March, I was kind of relieved and disappointed at the same time. Relieved because I got all the A's that I wanted. Disappointed because I got bad results for those I didn't expect to get an A. With this kind of results it would be hard for me to get a scholarship. I also didn't know what course to take in university. I thought I could spend the time in NS to think about my future, without knowing that NS would take away our ability to think and work hard. In the end, heeding my friend's advice, I chose Aerospace Engineering in NTU. I even went for an interview (without any preparation...) and got accepted. But did I really make the right choice? Do I really like subject/field? I have yet to find out. Hopefully in the year 2009, I will find an answer to this question.
I also feel that it would be a good idea to go and study overseas. I didn't want to do so at first, because it would take time and effort to adapt to a totally different culture, and I'm also used to the life in Singapore. But now I think maybe learning a new culture isn't so bad. It will be a very good experience and I will also learn more about how to live in this world. The country I have in mind is Japan. I always wanted to go back and live there for one time, so it would be the best if I could go there to study. I like the Japanese culture and language, and want to experience it more. I want to speak more Japanese and interact with more Japanese people. And most important of all, I miss Japan. A lot.
I believe interest is more important than anything else when choosing a course. But for me nothing really draws my interest. I like Physics, but does that mean I should take Physics? Also, what will happen to all those commitments that I have? I won't possibly be able to fulfil all of them. That's when time management comes in.
"You will never have time to do everything you want." If anyone was in the same camp as me, he will soon come to realise this fact. I have so many things to do at home, so many things to learn and so many things to think about. I still need to go out buy stuff and eat and mingle with friends. And there's still army stuff to worry about. Where am I going to get the time from? That's why we need a proper time management. Unfortunately my time management skills are still very substandard, and I can't get things done properly. Especially at home, I will do things that I thought of for the moment, get so engrossed in it, then forget about the rest of the things. This always happens. If there's one habit I want to change in 2009, it would be this one. Self-control, is the keyword here.
Human Relationships
Somehow or other I've always been looked down upon by many people. It's not that I'm not capable. It's not that I can't do things. It's just that people assume I can't. People think I am stupid and is not in the same intellectual level as them. People think I am blur and will always screw things up. Truth, I am absent-minded at times, but I believe I do do things properly when I should. Just that other people don't see them.
This has always been the case, from BMT to SSC to TDS. It's hard to change others' impression of you, so I suppose it will be like this for the rest of the army life as well. For people to understand each other, is so difficult that it is almost unachievable to me. Are trust and true friendship only part of bedtime stories? In this kind of world, I have enough evidence to say yes.
The reason why I don't talk? Hmm, I also don't know. Maybe it's because I don't see the importance of talking. Maybe there's nothing to talk about. Maybe I'm not humorous enough. Maybe I'm afraid of getting laughed at. Maybe my mind is blank. Or maybe I just don't like that person. In army, there are a lot of people I don't like. If I were to classify them they would fall under the category of "hooligans". And when I don't like a person, most probably it would remain like that for a long time. Oh yeah, and he won't like me either.
I should talk more. Yes. But when I really can't think of things to talk about, what can I do? Here comes the character problem again. Somehow I feel I'm doing it wrong in dealing with other people, but don't know how to change it. Maybe if there's a course on this it would be nice (and how about a course on LIFE? LOL).
Miscellaneous
Felt like learning driving this year, but didn't carry it out. Actually there are a lot of things I want to learn, but didn't do in the end. Maybe if I have the chance to I will learn it next year. But somehow I don't feel like driving. It's dangerous, and most importantly it contributes to pollution. There's also the problems of oil price, and I'm also worried that oil is going to run out very soon (believe it or not, I've always been worried about it since primary school).
Instead of spending time learning new stuff (and old stuff...), I spent my time getting all the enjoyment I can. Instead of spending my time in army thinking about life, I got myself a PSP (two times!!) and iPod Touch. Recently I found a good site to download manga so I am busy reading all the manga I can. I also started to convert videos to mp3 so that I can bring to camp to watch. Is this how my 1 year 10 months in army is going to pass? Without achieving anything and without doing anything constructive? I certainly hope not...
About my piano and guitar, I've learned for some time on my own, but since I joined TDS I haven't really been touching them already. The schedule here at TDS is to messy (ie f**ked up) for me to plan any lessons and train constantly. But I do still hope that next year I can somehow squeeze out time for lessons.
I organised gathering for my gang (The ZX Gang) almost every week when HL was around. But now that he's left, for a better cause, I've lost the main chef in my gang, and also due to my schedule the number of gatherings have decreased. We do still get together at times. Hope in the next year we can still do the same. It's nice to have friends that can last for so long.
Due to a particular drunkard, I've been going drinking much more this year. Now I like beer more, but I don't really like Carlsberg and Tiger Beer. And I'm proud to say that I have never gotten drunk before. Will I break the record in the year 2009? We shall see...
Conclusion
That's all this tiny brain (and poor memory) of mine can remember. A lot of things happened this year. Really, a lot. But what I have gained from all these things that have happened is another thing. I will be turning 20 in the next year. It isn't an age to be meddled with already. I should be at least an adult who can make decisions and do things for himself by then. If I were not able to do that, I would be very much ashamed of myself...
