Life still goes on...

One week of Exercise Praxis has ended. Well, actually it's just 5 days, but I had to stay in for one week due to my duty schedule. I've come back from "hell", or so I thought it would be.

In fact it wasn't exactly hell. At least for me. This was because I was selected to be out of the main running team. So basically I didn't run with the rest, and I didn't deal with the situations on the spot like others did. Initially I thought it would be good, since didn't need to run, but when I learnt of the reason I was kind of hurt. They wanted the two most blur guys to be out of the main team, so that our platoon would not screw things up, and I'm actually one of them... Okay, now I realise that I'm actually considered as one of the most "blur" ones in my platoon...

Well, what can I do? It's hard to change people's opinions of you once they are set, especially when you are a person who doesn't talk a lot. It's always been like this... People think I'm blur, lousy and stupid. And because of this mindset, whatever I say will be treated as a stupid remark and won'tbe treated seriously. When will I be given some responsibilities? Who are the commanders to judge me, and think that they are correct?

So, I went through the whole exercise period as slack as I can be, while watching others react to scenarios and run to certain destinations. It was tiring at times, as I had to do midnight duty, but I'm sure it was more tiring for the rest. I wanted to run together with everyone, even though I wasn't very confident... To think I was so "excited" about Praxis and asked so many questions about it... I even went through some of the scenarios in my head! And this is what I get...

Haiz... However, on the overall, I feel that this year's Praxis is not as tiring as I had expected. Other people including those that went through last year's Praxis also share the same opinion. That's good for everyone. Everyone should be feeling happy, all except me... I think the fact that people don't understand me got to do my ability to communicate. I don't show others that I have the abilities, so others don't think that I have. But then, I don't believe in doing things just for show...

Another reason why I'm unhappy is because my relationship with some of my platoon mates is strained. I'm not really getting along well with some of them, and I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe I should go and see a psychiatrist?

Once again I have wasted a weekend in camp doing useless stuff. Oh yeah, I still have one more year to spend here. One more year of time to waste. One more year of time to stay with these people.

I tried doing productive stuff, such as reading books and doing tsumego. But sometimes when you are too bored, you won't be in the mood to do all these stuffs. And that's why everyone in this camp need a PSP. Even I use it almost daily.

Sometimes, I feel that my life is getting more and more disorganised. I'm losing the discipline to do what I should be doing, and I'm losing the ability to communicate with other people. My self-confidence is draining away. Or maybe I never had any in the first place. I'm always afraid of making mistakes. Always afraid of people laughing at my mistakes. That's why I don't talk a lot.

I should be reflecting more on my life. But without action nothing would change.

With or without action, life will still go on, no matter whether it changes or not...

Rain

It rained in the afternoon today. Maybe, it is raining in my heart as well.

I really don't understand why I am so unlucky this year. So many unpleasant things have been happening to me, one by one. Is my 19th year supposed to pass like that?

Some miscellaneous stuff: On one of the days when booking out, I actually forgot to put my wallet in my bag and left it lying on my bed. By the time I realised I was already on the bus home. In the end I had to borrow money from my friend to take taxi, and ten plus dollars was wasted just like that...

That's not the end, actually. After I alighted from the taxi I walked towards the staircase as I held my iTouch in my hand. Somehow I flipped the pouch upside down and the iTouch just slipped down onto the floor. I quickly held onto the earphone cord, but it was useless. The cord was simply too long...:-( The concrete ground mercilessly hit my poor naked iTouch (I removed the plastic skin a few days ago...), giving its cheek a few scratches... Now I feel as though a permanent scratch mark is left in my heart as well... I've put on the blue skin again, but whenever I think of my iTouch I will think of those glaring scratches and I will feel very sad... ToT

Then there's also the issue in the army, regarding my platoon mates and within myself. I don't know why but it seems hard for me to communicate with people, sometimes :-|

My piano teacher also doesn't seem to be responding to my messages...

I sort of forgot that there's one more competition this year: the three country weiqi competition. It involves Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand, and this year it's held in Kuala Lumpur. The selection tournament is on this coming Saturday and Sunday. I think this is too much to be a coincidence - both the selection tournament and the actual competition are on my book-out days! But, it is just a trick heaven is playing on me. I can't go for the actual competition because it's considered overseas, and I need to use my leaves if I want to go overseas... >_< I'm only left with 2 days of leave this year, and I need to reserve them for whampoa cup... ;_;

Maybe this is what I'm destined to go through. Get hopes and then lose them.

I have been thinking a lot recently, about my future, my character, my friends, my life... Where should I be, and where should I go? What should I do, and who should I care about? How should I lead my life?

How can I become a useful person?

However, my vision seems to be severly blurred by the rain, as I can't see the answer clearly...

Random Post

I guess this is going to be my first random post on my new blog.

Yesterday was was my PRC gathering at my house. However, the number has decreased a lot... Many have already moved to other countries. But I think it is good to meet my JC friends once in a while, 'cos in the future it will be even more difficult to arrange such gatherings...

Went to the SWA today to watch the finals of the Singapore Weiqi Tourney. Previously I could have participated in this competition as well, but since I couldn't come on some of the days of the competition I choose to back out(or was I forced to back out? Haha...). So in the end I could only participate in the lucky draw. The final was between Zhou Xiang and Xie Tang, and I initially went there to watch the games between them, but ended up playing against a strong japanese uncle instead. They also didn't review their game so I didn't get to watch anything...

Anyway, about the japanese uncle, by strong I really mean STRONG. He says his fuseki is 8 dan but yose is 4 dan, and I think the first part is really true. I don't know about the second part because I didn't play until yose, haha. He almost won jc, if not for a mistake in the end. I made a stupid move quite early in the game, and I even thought it was a good move. I only realised that the move was useless after the game... Haiz, this has happened to me many times. Looks like my 棋感is still not up there yet, and I still got a lot to improve on my fuseki and chuban.

Feel sorry for Dan, who is not able to participate in the Pair Go Category in World Mind Sports because Kay couldn't go. I think he's flying to Beijing today, in a very gloomy mood. I can understand his feeling, 'cos I also felt terrible when I was told last minute that I cannnot go. But looking on the positive side, at least he gets to go Beijing to watch and meet other people, while I can't even go at all. But still, it's like disaster to him, 'cos he has put in so much effort in training and yet his partner cannot participate. I don't know the situation exactly but I think Kay should do some self-reflection on this...

Cleaned up my room a bit today. Found out that my vacuum cleaner was spoilt... Haiz, why aren't there any good, functioning electrical appliance in my house? My broom also very 'cui', and dustpen literally full of dust... I must go and do something about this next time... Oh yeah, I only cleaned up my room, and still haven't tidy it up...

And that's the end of my first random post.