Life still goes on...

One week of Exercise Praxis has ended. Well, actually it's just 5 days, but I had to stay in for one week due to my duty schedule. I've come back from "hell", or so I thought it would be.

In fact it wasn't exactly hell. At least for me. This was because I was selected to be out of the main running team. So basically I didn't run with the rest, and I didn't deal with the situations on the spot like others did. Initially I thought it would be good, since didn't need to run, but when I learnt of the reason I was kind of hurt. They wanted the two most blur guys to be out of the main team, so that our platoon would not screw things up, and I'm actually one of them... Okay, now I realise that I'm actually considered as one of the most "blur" ones in my platoon...

Well, what can I do? It's hard to change people's opinions of you once they are set, especially when you are a person who doesn't talk a lot. It's always been like this... People think I'm blur, lousy and stupid. And because of this mindset, whatever I say will be treated as a stupid remark and won'tbe treated seriously. When will I be given some responsibilities? Who are the commanders to judge me, and think that they are correct?

So, I went through the whole exercise period as slack as I can be, while watching others react to scenarios and run to certain destinations. It was tiring at times, as I had to do midnight duty, but I'm sure it was more tiring for the rest. I wanted to run together with everyone, even though I wasn't very confident... To think I was so "excited" about Praxis and asked so many questions about it... I even went through some of the scenarios in my head! And this is what I get...

Haiz... However, on the overall, I feel that this year's Praxis is not as tiring as I had expected. Other people including those that went through last year's Praxis also share the same opinion. That's good for everyone. Everyone should be feeling happy, all except me... I think the fact that people don't understand me got to do my ability to communicate. I don't show others that I have the abilities, so others don't think that I have. But then, I don't believe in doing things just for show...

Another reason why I'm unhappy is because my relationship with some of my platoon mates is strained. I'm not really getting along well with some of them, and I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe I should go and see a psychiatrist?

Once again I have wasted a weekend in camp doing useless stuff. Oh yeah, I still have one more year to spend here. One more year of time to waste. One more year of time to stay with these people.

I tried doing productive stuff, such as reading books and doing tsumego. But sometimes when you are too bored, you won't be in the mood to do all these stuffs. And that's why everyone in this camp need a PSP. Even I use it almost daily.

Sometimes, I feel that my life is getting more and more disorganised. I'm losing the discipline to do what I should be doing, and I'm losing the ability to communicate with other people. My self-confidence is draining away. Or maybe I never had any in the first place. I'm always afraid of making mistakes. Always afraid of people laughing at my mistakes. That's why I don't talk a lot.

I should be reflecting more on my life. But without action nothing would change.

With or without action, life will still go on, no matter whether it changes or not...

101108

Today is 10th November 2008.

In army terms, we write it as 101108.

What's so special about this date?

Let me tell you... My ORD (Operationally Ready Date, which means the day I complete my NS) date is 101109.

Significance?

Exactly ONE YEAR to ORD!!!!!

WOOOHOOOO!

Let's open a champagne to celebrate!!!!

Cheers!!!!!! =D


P.S. I was in camp going through hell when I "supposedly" made this post.

Hell Week is here...

Tomorrow is the start of Exercise Praxis, which is an annual major praxis in my camp. Because of that, I've got to book in tonight and won't be out until next next Monday... That's 8 days! I wonder how long ago the last time I stayed in for so many days was. I don't dare to touch on the details of the exercise, but basically it involves a lot of running. Running around with LBV, helmet and rifle. Everyday. And it's not just once or twice each day. It's MANY times! I really hope that my body can take it...

Of course it's not a test of our physical fitness. It's more of a test on our reactions and how we respond to different situations. Hence being me, I'm also afraid of doing the wrong things or not doing things properly. My job requires me to control people, but will I be able to do that? The more I think, the more I fear that I will screw up...

Have been watching the movie SAW series these few days. Watched SAW I, II and III in one shot. I was kind of interested in the movie after I watched SAW IV in camp, and realised that the movie is... NICE! I like this kind of movies. Not to say that I like gore stuff, but the whole movie's plot and schemes involved are very nice. And the twist at the end... is amazing. It never fails to give me an ending that is unexpected. Especially the first SAW movie. I was shouting out "OH MY GOD!" so many times! Definitely worth a watch! Gotta catch SAW V after the next book-out (^^).

Went to SWA yesterday to register for the Whompoa Cups. Heard that this year's Whompoa is much more competitive, and there is even a profesional 3 dan from China playing. What the... Why are professional players allowed to go for Amateur competitions? And to think SWA even allowed it... Don't know what they are thinking. I just hope I can get into the first five, so that I will be able to go for the selection for the World Amateur Tournament next year...

Gotta prepare for book-in now... Please let this week pass faster...

2008.10.02 Thursday

Firstly, let me congratulate Ayu for her 30th birthday! Time really waits for no WOman. Even our lovely Ayu has turned 30 already. But no fear, Ayu! I know you can still carry on singing and produce wonderful songs! 加油！

Those who wants to support her, please go and buy her latest album: A COMPLETE ~ALL SINGLES~, which contains all her 43 singles in her 10 years in the J-POP history. The album also contains a DVD inside which you can find 25 live performances from various events and some of them have never been shown before! Definitely worth a buy!

OK, so today was supposed to be the day when I fly off to Beijing. But, now the rest of the team has went there without me. I didn't really expect my officer to talk to me today about this incident and explain to me the whole process. It seems that they applied 3 times, and SSC was still not convinced. Which means, even if I started applying earlier, I still would not be able to take leave... It's all bad luck... If the army had never forced us to take leave earlier in the year, I wouldn't be left with only 2 days of leaves for this year... Maybe they should revise the system... But haiz, no matter what I say the result is fixed already. It's just that it's very sad to miss such a opportunity that is so hard to come by...

祝其他的新加坡选手们能取得好成绩！也祝中国棋手们能勇夺各项赛事的冠军！各位职业棋手，我们下次再会吧。

Despair, Disappointment, Helplessness

On Sunday when I booked in, I thought that I still had a few more days to fight for my right to take the leave to go Mind Sports Games in Beijing. However, SWA suddenly called to tell me that I needed to tell them the result by Monday. Things were getting from bad to worse, and I was losing more and more hope. I didn't expect the final verdict to come so early...

On the fateful day, when a fateful decision would have to be made, it came all very naturally, as if everything had been fated since the start. There were no miracles. Maybe I shouldn't have kept hope in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't have tried at all. I don't know. All those anxiety and eagerness experienced during my wait for the Mind Sports had ended with a NO from my officer.

It's not his fault, I believe. As I have mentioned in my previous post, there aren't anyone I can blame for this. If there's one thing I didn't like it would be the giving of hopes my so many people. Ever since the first day I started talking about this matter, people have been saying I should be able to go. Even my officers had also said that shouldn't be a problem. I also thought so, until last Wednesday when I received news about the rejection. I had absolutely no idea that my fate was actually sealed in the hands of the almighty SSC.

Ironically, my officer told me that the SSC recognised this as a sports event, but they can't support my leave because this is not their area of focus. I'm not considered a carded athelete, and to them weiqi is nothing compared to those more important sports like swimming, table-tennis, gymnastics etc. And because of this one times NSF will not be able to attend the would-be one of the most prestigious events in the weiqi history.

I shouldn't have thought about playing instructional games with the Pros. I shouldn't have thought about meeting famous people, taking pictures with them and getting their signatures. I shouldn't have wanted to see what the new Beijing is like. I shouldn't have planned about what to do if I meet my friends there. Yes, I shouldn't have done all these, because I should have known the outcome in the first place.

I could do nothing to prevent the verdict from falling upon me. Maybe this is called helplessness. Maybe this is the result of serving national service. All I know is that I am going to pay hundreds of dollars for this disappointment. And a piece of paper which I will never be able to submit to the rightful counter. I would never be able to join the 4000 people taking part in this event out of which 708 are in the weiqi category, even though my name is in the namelist: http://weiqi.sports.tom.com/2008-09-30/00UV/43135522_08.html. Oh yeah, forgot to minus one, so it's 707 out of 3999 people.

After taking time to calm down, I still appeared as my normal self in the army. Maybe I have learnt to take things in its stride, or maybe I just don't take things seriously enough. It's quite weird though if you claim you are very hurt but you can still joke around with others. But then, what's the point of showing my sad face to other people?

After getting scolded by my mother, I'm starting to think that maybe the fault lies with me. I'm just too passive and always never voice out stuff resulting in this. Maybe if I talked to either the officer or SWA more the matter could have been resolved. Maybe if I persisted or showed that I was very passionate about this event the army could have given me compassionate leave. Maybe if they kept talking to SSC they would comply in the end. The last point was proven to be wrong, as SWA talked to SSC again today but they still refused to support me taking FPUL. Seriously, I don't understand why they keep rejecting when all they need to do is just say 'yes' and we are not like asking them to sponsor or anything.

Well, life still goes on. The Earth won't stop spinning just because of this. One thing I could say is that I will not give up weiqi. I can never do so. It is almost all that I have now, and I can't afford to give up because I know there are still many opportunities ahead. But next time, I must remember to use my own leaves instead of relying on the FPUL (I have new leaves coming in next year.)

Now, for the moment, please excuse me while I hide one corner and emo, and maybe shed a few tears... And I still have to carry on my duties after I finished crying...



P.S. Some more unhappy incidents happened in the camp today, and this time it involves me. I really don't understand... Is this year my unlucky year?