Life still goes on...

One week of Exercise Praxis has ended. Well, actually it's just 5 days, but I had to stay in for one week due to my duty schedule. I've come back from "hell", or so I thought it would be.

In fact it wasn't exactly hell. At least for me. This was because I was selected to be out of the main running team. So basically I didn't run with the rest, and I didn't deal with the situations on the spot like others did. Initially I thought it would be good, since didn't need to run, but when I learnt of the reason I was kind of hurt. They wanted the two most blur guys to be out of the main team, so that our platoon would not screw things up, and I'm actually one of them... Okay, now I realise that I'm actually considered as one of the most "blur" ones in my platoon...

Well, what can I do? It's hard to change people's opinions of you once they are set, especially when you are a person who doesn't talk a lot. It's always been like this... People think I'm blur, lousy and stupid. And because of this mindset, whatever I say will be treated as a stupid remark and won'tbe treated seriously. When will I be given some responsibilities? Who are the commanders to judge me, and think that they are correct?

So, I went through the whole exercise period as slack as I can be, while watching others react to scenarios and run to certain destinations. It was tiring at times, as I had to do midnight duty, but I'm sure it was more tiring for the rest. I wanted to run together with everyone, even though I wasn't very confident... To think I was so "excited" about Praxis and asked so many questions about it... I even went through some of the scenarios in my head! And this is what I get...

Haiz... However, on the overall, I feel that this year's Praxis is not as tiring as I had expected. Other people including those that went through last year's Praxis also share the same opinion. That's good for everyone. Everyone should be feeling happy, all except me... I think the fact that people don't understand me got to do my ability to communicate. I don't show others that I have the abilities, so others don't think that I have. But then, I don't believe in doing things just for show...

Another reason why I'm unhappy is because my relationship with some of my platoon mates is strained. I'm not really getting along well with some of them, and I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe I should go and see a psychiatrist?

Once again I have wasted a weekend in camp doing useless stuff. Oh yeah, I still have one more year to spend here. One more year of time to waste. One more year of time to stay with these people.

I tried doing productive stuff, such as reading books and doing tsumego. But sometimes when you are too bored, you won't be in the mood to do all these stuffs. And that's why everyone in this camp need a PSP. Even I use it almost daily.

Sometimes, I feel that my life is getting more and more disorganised. I'm losing the discipline to do what I should be doing, and I'm losing the ability to communicate with other people. My self-confidence is draining away. Or maybe I never had any in the first place. I'm always afraid of making mistakes. Always afraid of people laughing at my mistakes. That's why I don't talk a lot.

I should be reflecting more on my life. But without action nothing would change.

With or without action, life will still go on, no matter whether it changes or not...

日本語

もっと話したい。
書きたい。
聞きたい。
読みたい。
歌いたい。
学びたい。
理解したい。
使いたい。

日本語を通して人と繋がりたい。

なんてきれいな言葉なんだろう。

あ～、日本に住んでたらいいな～

Rain

It rained in the afternoon today. Maybe, it is raining in my heart as well.

I really don't understand why I am so unlucky this year. So many unpleasant things have been happening to me, one by one. Is my 19th year supposed to pass like that?

Some miscellaneous stuff: On one of the days when booking out, I actually forgot to put my wallet in my bag and left it lying on my bed. By the time I realised I was already on the bus home. In the end I had to borrow money from my friend to take taxi, and ten plus dollars was wasted just like that...

That's not the end, actually. After I alighted from the taxi I walked towards the staircase as I held my iTouch in my hand. Somehow I flipped the pouch upside down and the iTouch just slipped down onto the floor. I quickly held onto the earphone cord, but it was useless. The cord was simply too long...:-( The concrete ground mercilessly hit my poor naked iTouch (I removed the plastic skin a few days ago...), giving its cheek a few scratches... Now I feel as though a permanent scratch mark is left in my heart as well... I've put on the blue skin again, but whenever I think of my iTouch I will think of those glaring scratches and I will feel very sad... ToT

Then there's also the issue in the army, regarding my platoon mates and within myself. I don't know why but it seems hard for me to communicate with people, sometimes :-|

My piano teacher also doesn't seem to be responding to my messages...

I sort of forgot that there's one more competition this year: the three country weiqi competition. It involves Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand, and this year it's held in Kuala Lumpur. The selection tournament is on this coming Saturday and Sunday. I think this is too much to be a coincidence - both the selection tournament and the actual competition are on my book-out days! But, it is just a trick heaven is playing on me. I can't go for the actual competition because it's considered overseas, and I need to use my leaves if I want to go overseas... >_< I'm only left with 2 days of leave this year, and I need to reserve them for whampoa cup... ;_;

Maybe this is what I'm destined to go through. Get hopes and then lose them.

I have been thinking a lot recently, about my future, my character, my friends, my life... Where should I be, and where should I go? What should I do, and who should I care about? How should I lead my life?

How can I become a useful person?

However, my vision seems to be severly blurred by the rain, as I can't see the answer clearly...