One week of Exercise Praxis has ended. Well, actually it's just 5 days, but I had to stay in for one week due to my duty schedule. I've come back from "hell", or so I thought it would be.
In fact it wasn't exactly hell. At least for me. This was because I was selected to be out of the main running team. So basically I didn't run with the rest, and I didn't deal with the situations on the spot like others did. Initially I thought it would be good, since didn't need to run, but when I learnt of the reason I was kind of hurt. They wanted the two most blur guys to be out of the main team, so that our platoon would not screw things up, and I'm actually one of them... Okay, now I realise that I'm actually considered as one of the most "blur" ones in my platoon...
Well, what can I do? It's hard to change people's opinions of you once they are set, especially when you are a person who doesn't talk a lot. It's always been like this... People think I'm blur, lousy and stupid. And because of this mindset, whatever I say will be treated as a stupid remark and won'tbe treated seriously. When will I be given some responsibilities? Who are the commanders to judge me, and think that they are correct?
So, I went through the whole exercise period as slack as I can be, while watching others react to scenarios and run to certain destinations. It was tiring at times, as I had to do midnight duty, but I'm sure it was more tiring for the rest. I wanted to run together with everyone, even though I wasn't very confident... To think I was so "excited" about Praxis and asked so many questions about it... I even went through some of the scenarios in my head! And this is what I get...
Haiz... However, on the overall, I feel that this year's Praxis is not as tiring as I had expected. Other people including those that went through last year's Praxis also share the same opinion. That's good for everyone. Everyone should be feeling happy, all except me... I think the fact that people don't understand me got to do my ability to communicate. I don't show others that I have the abilities, so others don't think that I have. But then, I don't believe in doing things just for show...
Another reason why I'm unhappy is because my relationship with some of my platoon mates is strained. I'm not really getting along well with some of them, and I don't know what I can do about it. Maybe I should go and see a psychiatrist?
Once again I have wasted a weekend in camp doing useless stuff. Oh yeah, I still have one more year to spend here. One more year of time to waste. One more year of time to stay with these people.
I tried doing productive stuff, such as reading books and doing tsumego. But sometimes when you are too bored, you won't be in the mood to do all these stuffs. And that's why everyone in this camp need a PSP. Even I use it almost daily.
Sometimes, I feel that my life is getting more and more disorganised. I'm losing the discipline to do what I should be doing, and I'm losing the ability to communicate with other people. My self-confidence is draining away. Or maybe I never had any in the first place. I'm always afraid of making mistakes. Always afraid of people laughing at my mistakes. That's why I don't talk a lot.
I should be reflecting more on my life. But without action nothing would change.
With or without action, life will still go on, no matter whether it changes or not...
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