Despair, Disappointment, Helplessness

On Sunday when I booked in, I thought that I still had a few more days to fight for my right to take the leave to go Mind Sports Games in Beijing. However, SWA suddenly called to tell me that I needed to tell them the result by Monday. Things were getting from bad to worse, and I was losing more and more hope. I didn't expect the final verdict to come so early...

On the fateful day, when a fateful decision would have to be made, it came all very naturally, as if everything had been fated since the start. There were no miracles. Maybe I shouldn't have kept hope in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't have tried at all. I don't know. All those anxiety and eagerness experienced during my wait for the Mind Sports had ended with a NO from my officer.

It's not his fault, I believe. As I have mentioned in my previous post, there aren't anyone I can blame for this. If there's one thing I didn't like it would be the giving of hopes my so many people. Ever since the first day I started talking about this matter, people have been saying I should be able to go. Even my officers had also said that shouldn't be a problem. I also thought so, until last Wednesday when I received news about the rejection. I had absolutely no idea that my fate was actually sealed in the hands of the almighty SSC.

Ironically, my officer told me that the SSC recognised this as a sports event, but they can't support my leave because this is not their area of focus. I'm not considered a carded athelete, and to them weiqi is nothing compared to those more important sports like swimming, table-tennis, gymnastics etc. And because of this one times NSF will not be able to attend the would-be one of the most prestigious events in the weiqi history.

I shouldn't have thought about playing instructional games with the Pros. I shouldn't have thought about meeting famous people, taking pictures with them and getting their signatures. I shouldn't have wanted to see what the new Beijing is like. I shouldn't have planned about what to do if I meet my friends there. Yes, I shouldn't have done all these, because I should have known the outcome in the first place.

I could do nothing to prevent the verdict from falling upon me. Maybe this is called helplessness. Maybe this is the result of serving national service. All I know is that I am going to pay hundreds of dollars for this disappointment. And a piece of paper which I will never be able to submit to the rightful counter. I would never be able to join the 4000 people taking part in this event out of which 708 are in the weiqi category, even though my name is in the namelist: http://weiqi.sports.tom.com/2008-09-30/00UV/43135522_08.html. Oh yeah, forgot to minus one, so it's 707 out of 3999 people.

After taking time to calm down, I still appeared as my normal self in the army. Maybe I have learnt to take things in its stride, or maybe I just don't take things seriously enough. It's quite weird though if you claim you are very hurt but you can still joke around with others. But then, what's the point of showing my sad face to other people?

After getting scolded by my mother, I'm starting to think that maybe the fault lies with me. I'm just too passive and always never voice out stuff resulting in this. Maybe if I talked to either the officer or SWA more the matter could have been resolved. Maybe if I persisted or showed that I was very passionate about this event the army could have given me compassionate leave. Maybe if they kept talking to SSC they would comply in the end. The last point was proven to be wrong, as SWA talked to SSC again today but they still refused to support me taking FPUL. Seriously, I don't understand why they keep rejecting when all they need to do is just say 'yes' and we are not like asking them to sponsor or anything.

Well, life still goes on. The Earth won't stop spinning just because of this. One thing I could say is that I will not give up weiqi. I can never do so. It is almost all that I have now, and I can't afford to give up because I know there are still many opportunities ahead. But next time, I must remember to use my own leaves instead of relying on the FPUL (I have new leaves coming in next year.)

Now, for the moment, please excuse me while I hide one corner and emo, and maybe shed a few tears... And I still have to carry on my duties after I finished crying...



P.S. Some more unhappy incidents happened in the camp today, and this time it involves me. I really don't understand... Is this year my unlucky year?